


It's Easier to Wait When Your Heart Isn't On The Line

by OhMyLuckyStars



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, F/M, Happy Ending, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-14 17:41:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11788152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhMyLuckyStars/pseuds/OhMyLuckyStars
Summary: The cargo ship flew away, gathering speed, and my knees buckled, bringing me to the floor. The people around me hardly payed any attention, too worried about their own missions and jobs or about the huge cargo ship that had just illegally left.And all I could think about was Cassian and the possibility of never seeing him again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I started this story with the intention of it being a one-shot, but it sort of got a bit away from me, so I decided to post it in chapters xD
> 
>  
> 
> I love Rogue One, but that ending absolutely never happened in my bright, nodeathsofcharactersilike, little world sooo, yep, everyone is alive. Yeeeeyyy \o/ 
> 
> *I own absolutely nothing in the Universe of Star Wars, but the plot of this little thing =)
> 
> *(Y/N) = Your Name  
> (L/N) = your Last Name

 

_This is a nightmare._

I paced back and forth, the levels of anxiety in my body climbing higher by the second. I lifted my eyes from their path on the ground alongside my feet to stare at the only thing cutting through the heavy cloak of tension permeating the room I was in: the transmission being broadcasted from one of the screens at the central communications table.

I clutched my arms around myself, trying to hold my body in one piece, since I felt like it was about to shatter. Like _I_ was about to shatter.

\- We have the plans! I repeat, we have the plans! They did it! But, I can’t communicate with them any further, the contact has been severed!

I felt my arms tightening around myself, felt the air getting thicker and almost impossible to breathe, felt myself freezing from the inside out.

_This is my worst nightmare. And it’s happening._

I heard myself shouting orders almost like it was somebody else entirely.

\- Keep trying to reestablish connection!

A junior communications officer murmured beside me.

\- Ma’am, it’s too risky… They have very high chances of already being dead…

I turned in his direction, my voice colder than ice.

\- And if they’re not? Do you want to be the one responsible for leaving the people who just saved the entire Rebellion for dead? The one who maybe could have saved them, but chose not to?

The junior officer cowered in a corner far away from me. Normally, I would have cared that I had scared a subordinate into submission or had used such tone of voice or tactics at all. Normally, I took pride in being sympathetic and worrying about teaching instead of frightening. Today, however, I didn’t care. Today, there were way bigger things at stake.

_Cassian… Please, Cassian… Be alive…_

~~~~~~~// ~~~~~~~~// ~~~~~~~// ~~~~~~~~

_I stopped at the entrance of the hangar, my eyes swooping through the huge area._

_\- (Y/N)! (Y/N), I’ve been looking for you! – It came from my right, in a voice that would probably never fail in making me smile when saying my name. I turned towards it._

_\- Cassian._

_However, as soon as I saw him, my smile faded, confusion taking its place. He was all packed up, as if he was leaving for a mission at any second. His blaster was in its holder, his jacket was on, all his pockets were full, and his eyes were serious._

_\- Cassian? Where are you going? You just got here, there are no missions for you right now._

_I would know, I was the Communications Commander for the Intelligence Division. All Intelligence missions needed to pass by me._

_Cassian bit his lower lip, discretely. Oh-oh, this was not good. He was nervous. Cassian was rarely nervous. Especially nervous enough for it to show on his face when in a place where he was surrounded by people. He always tried his best not to show much emotion near people he didn’t trust with his life, which were very few._

_\- (Y/N)… - He started, his voice sounding as if he knew I was not going to like what he was going to say._

_\- Don’t you dare “(Y/N)” me in that tone, Andor. What are you planning to do? – My own tone was somewhat harsh, scared and desperate all at the same time. I was feeling extremely uneasy. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong._

_Cassian closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened them again, I felt a chill go down my spine. His eyes were full of anguish. I had never seen them like that before. Cassian was always sure he could find a way out of anything and come back in one piece. Wherever he was going this time, something was messing with his certainty._

_He stepped closer to me, diminishing the distance between us until there was less than an arm’s distance left._

_\- (Y/N)… - His voice came a little stronger this time, like he had made his decision and was going to stick to it no matter what, but I could still hear the undertone of worry. And then it came to me._

**_Scariff. The plans._ **

_I knew where he was going._

_\- It’s Scariff, isn’t it? – I asked with my heart tight, my voice a lot weaker than I had intended._

**_Please, deny it. Please, deny it_** , _I recited in my head. But his eyes widened slightly in shock and I knew I was right. I shook my head vehemently._

_\- I’m coming with you. – I stared intently at him, my jaw set, my voice firm. His face changed in a matter of milliseconds. His eyes darkened, his brow furrowed and his lips thinned, pressing forcefully against each other._

_\- No, you’re not. – He was resolute. But so was I. I stepped forward, trying to intimidate him into letting me go._

_\- Yes, I am._

_He put both his hands on my shoulders, one on each side, as if stopping me from going any further and effectively pinning me down._

_\- No, you are most definitely not._

_I clenched my teeth. He could be infuriating. Why could he risk his life and I couldn’t? At least I could try to protect him if I was there! What good could I do from here?!_

_\- Why not? – I was getting increasingly more scared and it was being turned into frustration and anger._

_\- Because not, (Y/N). – His tone was final._

_\- Cassian! – I threw my arms up, dislodging his hands from my shoulders. – Why?! Give me one good reason why you can go risk your life in what is probably a suicide mission and I can’t possibly do the same?!_

_He diverted his eyes from mine, looking at something above my left shoulder, his lips still set in a straight line. I pressed on._

_\- Tell me, Cassian. One good reason._

_\- Because I can’t, okay?! No matter how skilled you are, I just can’t! – He focused back on me, his eyes blazing. I was beyond frustrated at this point._

_\- Can’t what?! What is it that you can’t do?! – I was seething too. I could barely hold in the trembling in my voice and my closed fists were shaking. Whether it was from frustration, anger or the extreme queasiness that was taking hold of me, though, I couldn’t tell._

_And then, he deflated. His head lowered slightly, looking at the floor where our shoes were almost touching, and he slid a hand through his hair, a heavy sigh escaping his lips. His next words were almost too low for me to hear._

_\- I can’t lose you._

_It was my turn to be shocked, my body stilling completely._

_\- What? – My voice came in a whisper too. He picked his head up and fixed his eyes on me again, the saddest expression I had ever seen adorning his face. He shook his head lightly, never breaking eye contact, his voice still coming hushed, anguished._

_\- I can’t let you risk your life. I just… I just can’t. I can’t lose you. After everything, you’re the one person I can’t bear to…_

_\- Cassian! – K2’s  voice broke our little bubble and startled me. I looked behind Cassian’s shoulder to see K2 near a cargo ship and Cassian followed my gaze, cursing under his breath. He turned back to me, his eyes and voice urgent now._

_\- (Y/N), listen to me, there’s something I need to tell you…_

_\- No… - I could feel the tears building behind my eyes. He was going to say goodbye, wasn’t he? I couldn’t deal with that. Nope. I would not say goodbye. He was going to come back. He had to._

_One of his hands grasped my upper arm, squeezing lightly, trying to convey the same urgency I could already see in his eyes and hear in his voice._

_\- (Y/N), please, I don’t have much time._

_\- Cassian, no… No goodbyes… - My voice was weak. I was using all my strength to hold my tears at bay._

_\- Oh, (Y/N)… - His face turned sad again and his eyes shone with regret. His other hand came up to cup my neck, his thumb caressing my jaw tenderly one single time._

_\- I should have told you this a long time ago. I never gathered enough courage. Always thought there would be more time… Or that just having you by my side was enough… I shouldn’t have waited…_

**_What?_ **

_My heart was beating impossibly fast and it was getting slightly harder to breath._

_Cassian brought the hand grasping my arm to rest on the other side of my neck, mimicking its twin, and leaned forward, his forehead coming to rest against mine. His eyes looked intently at every curve and plain of my face, as if he was trying to impress my features into his memory. All I could do was stare back at him, trying to save his features into my own memory._

_Then, with the softest tone of voice I had ever heard him use, he whispered._

_\- I love you, (Y/N)._

_I bit my lip so hard I was afraid I might have broken the skin. The tears started falling down my cheeks, not caring at all about my efforts to keep them from doing so. K2 called again._

_Cassian breathed in deeply, closed his eyes for a second and then pressed a kiss against my forehead, quick, but extremely warm._

_\- I love you._

_He whispered one last time before turning on his heels and walking quickly towards the cargo ship. K2 waved a goodbye at me and got in the ship, Cassian following right behind him. Once inside, he turned in my direction again, his sad but resolute eyes holding mine until the doors of the ship closed and it prepared to leave._

_I stood there, tears streaming silently down my face, my fists and heart clenched tight, watching the man I loved leave to risk his life to try to save the Rebellion. The cargo ship flew away, gathering speed, and my knees buckled, bringing me to the floor. The people around me hardly payed any attention, too worried about their own missions and jobs or about the huge cargo ship that had just illegally left._

_And all I could think about was Cassian and the possibility of never seeing him again. With a jolt, I realized I had never told him I loved him too. Curling in on myself, I rested my face against my hands and let myself cry. In a few minutes, I had to go back to being a Communications Commander and return to my post to try to do anything that could possibly help them from where I was._

_However, first I had to try to deal with the jagged pieces of my heart and the desperation that threatened to consume me._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter two ^.^  
> I don't really know if blaster wounds would bleed or not, so I looked around to see if smarter people than me knew. Apparently, there is no such thing as a consensus about it. Some people say it wouldn't bleed and some say it would bleed a lot. Sooo, for the purpose of better fitting what I wanted, blaster wounds are really nasty and bleed a heck of a lot in this universe. However, there's nothing actually explicit, except for the mention of blood and general description of "limping, covered in blood, unconscious" or things in that vicinity.
> 
> I'm sorry for any mistakes that might be hiding in there.  
> And, well, I hope it isn't too boring and that you guys like it ^.^

\- Any changes? – I barked to the room.

\- Not yet, Commander…

\- Keep trying!

I resumed my pacing, going from station to station, staring intently at every single one, checking if they were doing as I told them. It was the first time I actually acted this harshly and commanding, but desperate times required desperate measures.

\- Commander! – The officer in the station further from me exclaimed, his eyes staring incredulously at the screen. – I’ve got something!

I almost ran towards his station.

\- Yes, Jackson! Put it on speaker!

K2’s voice came intermittently through the speakers.

\- _C-Can… Can anyone hear me?.... This is K2-SO… Re-Repeat… This is K2-SO…_

I punched the button for the microphone with probably a lot more force than the necessary in my haste to answer.

\- K2?! This is Commander (Y/L/N)! We can hear you! How is everyone?!

\- _Oh, th-thank the stars! I didn’t know… If I could make this thing’s communication system… Actually work._

\- K2! Status! – My nerves were way too frayed for this. I needed to know.

\- _In-injured, but alive, Commander. I request… Immediate medical support once we land._

\- Will be ready and waiting! – I said, already ordering people to go gather the medics. – You two! Go to the Medbay, tell them to gather as many as they need to rush at least five possibly severely injured people!

And then I turned to Kevin, my assistant, who was standing close beside me, anxiously rocking on the balls of his feet.

\- Go tell the others. They need to know our heroes are coming back.

He nodded and left, eager to spread some good news after everything that had just happened. Officer Jackson stepped away from the station he was occupying and I took the seat he vacated, turning my attention back to the comms.

\- _Co-Commander, requesting permission… To land in a stolen TIE fighter… Identification 3476X…_

\- Permission granted, K2. Welcome home.

My voice broke on the last word, the tears that had been threatening to escape since I first heard K2’s voice coming through the comms now dangerously close to fulfill their objective. They were alive. I had no clue about the condition they were in, but at least they were alive.  I covered my mouth after finishing speaking with K2, trying to keep any unwanted noises from leaving.

They came back.

_Cassian…_

The people around me started ushering outside, anxious to see the ship landing after everything that had happened. I stood to join them, trying my best to not just break into a sprint and try to reach the hangars as fast as I could. Luckily for me, the emergency hangar was the closest one to the Communications Center and it didn’t take me very long to be able to get there.

I could see the ship getting closer and all the people gathered to see the Rogue One team coming home cleared space so the ship could land, leaving just the doctors and nurses at the edge of the clearance area, ready to burst into action. My heart was beating so fast that I feared that, at any moment, it would jump right out of my throat.

As soon as the stolen TIE fighter landed, the med team rushed towards the opening doors and I couldn’t stop my feet from getting closer themselves. I found a vantage point where I could see the doors perfectly and I watched with baited breath as Blaze and Chirrut walked out stumbling together and trying their best to support each other. Behind them came a limping Jyn, clutching a wound on her left leg, and a very distraught looking Boodie, whose right arm hanged strangely immobile at his side.

Finally, at last, I saw him. Closing the small entourage, K2, also limping and with a few not so good looking red-hot holes in his hull, went as fast as he could down the ship’s ramp. In his arms, he held Cassian’s body, whose right side was completely soaked in blood. From where I was, I couldn’t see if he was breathing. He seemed completely still.

_Oh my stars!..._

Someone let out a noise so desperate and agonized that it almost didn’t seem human. When I realized it had been me, I covered my mouth with both hands. They were shaking. My whole body was shaking. I didn’t know if I was crying or not, I couldn’t really feel anything through the shock of seeing Cassian like that and the haze of all the emotions wreacking havoc inside me, relief, desperation, fear, sadness. A big jumbled mess that was quickly being consumed by the desperation and fear.

I was pretty much alone where I was, since it was farther away from all the commotion than most people would rather be. Which was good, because no one actually saw or heard me breaking down, even though, at that point, I don’t think I would have cared.

I watched as K2 lowered Cassian’s body on a gurney and the doctors immediately started working on him, hastening the gurney towards the medbay. The people around opened a path for them to pass. The other gurneys followed behind, each one with a patient and their own team of doctors and nurses, although none of them seemed to have such an urgency as Cassian, their teams not in as much of a hurry as Cassian’s was. Well, at least that. We had to count our blessings where we could find them.

The crowd that had gathered started to file away, maybe back to their stations and jobs, maybe to celebrate, who knew? I, however, didn’t seem to be able to move. My feet felt like they were rooted to the floor. In all actuality, even if I were able to move, I didn’t know what to do with myself. My mind was still playing the image of Cassian’s wounded body over and over again. All I could do was try not to crumble like dry sand.

I was so overcome by my shock and fear that I didn’t notice K2 was still around until the imperial droid was directly in front of me. With no small amount of struggle I managed to bring my focus back to the present and direct it towards him, slowly lifting my gaze until it could somewhat land on his face. At least, now the feeling in my face had returned and it didn’t feel like I had been crying. The shock had been probably too great for me to react properly yet.

_Counting small blessings… Counting small blessings…_

\- (Y/N).

Oh-oh, (Y/N), not Commander. So this didn’t have anything to do with business, it was personal. K2 always made a point in distinguishing between when he was coming to me as a Commander in the Rebellion or as his friend, or as close to it as he considered people.

\- Y-yes, K2? – My voice was rough, like I had attempted to scream my lungs out, and it sounded weirdly distant.

\- Cassian’s wounds… He didn’t sustain many, a few scrapes and blast grazes, but, the one he did sustain looks extensive. I couldn’t gauge with certainty, but Jyn tells me he was shot in the back, on his right side, and then fell from a considerable height. There seem to be a few fractured ribs, maybe a punctured lung. The doctors couldn’t see what else may have been damaged until they cleaned the blood and took him to surgery.

My arms, limp by my sides ever since I noticed K2 in front of me, went around my torso, almost out of their own free will, trying to ward off the chill that went through my spine and was trying to take residence throughout the rest of my body. I lowered my eyes to the floor and nodded.

\- Thank- thank you, K2, for telling me.

I noticed a damp spot forming on the floor between my feet and realized the tears had finally come, heavy and slow.

\- I thought you should know. – K2’s voice started again. I didn’t have the strength to look back up at him. – Considering how close you and Cassian are. And how you feel about each other.

My eyes went wide and, somehow, managed to look back at K2’s face.

\- You- you know about that?

K2 made a noise that was very clearly meant to be a scoff.

\- Of course I do. Who do you think listens to Cassian whenever he starts rambling about you? About how beautiful you are, how talented, about how, despite that talent, you really shouldn’t be going out on dangerous missions, - It was my turn to scoff through my tears, which were still steadily flowing. That was so Cassian. – etc, etc, etc.

\- Oh… I – I had no idea…

Regaining a bit of myself, I tried to wipe away the tears, embarrassed not only about crying in front of someone, but also due to what K2 had just told me.

\- And I know you feel the same way about him.

I felt my face heat.

\- How?

\- Well, considering your interactions and the way you look at him and talk to him, I estimated there was a 98% chance of you returning his feelings. Now, with your reaction to our arrival, I estimate there’s a 100% chance that you return his feelings.

I couldn’t help it. A bubbling laugh escaped my throat at K2’s words. Of course he would figure it out. And know the chances.

\- Good. – K2 nodded. I looked at him, confused.

\- The Captain wouldn’t have wanted you to be torturing yourself because of him. I know you are worried, but he would have wanted you to believe in him, to know that he will always come back.

My eyes widened again in surprise. After a few seconds, I nodded and finished wiping the last tears from my face, a small smile turning my lips up.

\- Yes, you’re right. I do believe. In him and his stubbornness.

K2SO nodded again, a hum of agreement escaping his sound system. I looked closely at him, analyzing the holes in his hull and the faint shining inside his body, indicating damaged circuits.

\- Now, come on, K, we need to get you to your own medbay.

The droid looked at himself, analyzing his own damage.

\- Indeed, that is a necessary course of action. I estimate 49% of my circuits to be damaged.

I smiled at him and motioned for him to follow me, starting towards the mechanics’ shed. He settled beside me and followed without another word. I took a deep breath, finding his presence comforting. K2 knew Cassian Andor just as well as me, if not more. He was right. Cassian would never give up that easily. I needed to have faith in him. He would pull through.

 

However, regardless of what I had told K2, 10 minutes after I dropped him off with the mechanics, I found my feet wandering nervously just outside the entrance of the Medbay. A nurse, with her arms stacked full with supplies, stopped her fast-paced track back to her post when she saw me fidgeting right outside the door. She smiled kindly at me, like seeing crazy fidgety people like me was normal for her.

\- Can I help you with anything, Commander (Y/L/N)?

\- I – Uhm – Yes, actually. – I took a deep breath, willing myself to calm down and act like the Commander I was supposed to be. For everyone else, I had no actual reason to be here, but an official one. No one knew how close Cassian and I were, much less how close I wish we could be. – Are there any news about Captain Andor’s status?

The nurse – Talia, I believed was her name – looked thoughtfully past the entrance in front of us, towards the inside of the Medbay.

\- Last I heard, they had just started his surgery and were working on fixing and closing the internal wounds, ma’am. If my brief assessment of the Captain’s wounds is correct, they may take a while in there to properly assess and fix everything. Unfortunately, it is too early for any concrete news yet.

Her soft gaze landed on me again, something between sympathy and understanding reflecting back at me, making me slightly uncomfortable. Of course it would be too early for real news yet. He’d gotten there barely 20 minutes ago or so.

_I really should have thought this through first,_ I scolded myself.

I nodded and thanked the nurse for her time and work and then excused myself with the reasoning that I needed to get back to work. She smiled gently at me once more and headed inside the Medbay to, probably, carry on with whatever it was that I interrupted.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo, here's the third chapter!!
> 
> I'm really, really sorry it took me so long to post this >< I had hoped I'd be able to post it sooner, but my classes are heavier than I expected this semester and all my time is going *puff* right before my eyes ><  
> However, if it's any consolation at all, I have already started the next chapter. Not sure when it will be ready, buuut, it's coming ^.^'' hehe
> 
> This chapter contains some medical stuff that I tried really hard to be as correct and as real as possible about, but, I'm not completely sure if I managed it xD Also, I'm taking poetic leave with the time Cassian will take to wake up, so that part is probably not going to be very realistic at all ^.^'' hehehehe
> 
> Huuuum, I guess that's it for now?
> 
> Any mistakes you may find are my own and I'm sorry about it. I try to catch them all, but they may escape my tired eyes xD
> 
> Feel free to comment! Any comment/constructive criticism is welcome ^.^
> 
> Hope you like it! o/

I felt something jostling me lightly and a faint voice calling me, as if from very far away.

_It can’t be anything important… If it were, they wouldn’t be talking so low._

Content with my reasoning, I decided to ignore it. But, the calling came back, stronger this time, as well as the jostling.

\- Commander. Commander. Commander?

_Fuuuudge, I was having such a nice dream… Wait, what? This can’t be right._

I got up so fast that a wave of dizziness washed over me.

\- Crap.

I leaned forward again, supporting my upper body in my hands, firmly pressed against the station I had apparently been sleeping on.

\- Crap.

\- Commander? – Came the voice from beside me, the same one that was calling me before. I turned my head to the side, squinting a bit to see who it was. Apparently, my eyes were still in the process of waking up, just like the rest of my body. – Are you okay?

_Oh, Kevin._

Feeling the dizziness receding, I straightened myself, taking a deep breath to push the rest of the somnolence away. Once I was sure I could actually function, I nodded towards my assistant.

\- Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay, Kevin, thanks.

I rubbed a hand down my face, trying to get my bearings.

_For how long did I sleep?_

I turned to Kevin, who was looking at me with something between concern and understanding marking his features.

\- Do you happen to know what time is it? – I gave him a weak smile. Unfortunately, it was the best I could muster right at that moment. My body felt like it was depleted of energy.

_Maybe I should eat something… Actually, I should go check if Cassian is already out of surgery! Shit, how long did I sleep for?? Wait, did I even finish the reports? Oh, stars…_

Kevin’s voice brought me back to the matter at hand.

\- It’s dinnertime, Commander.

_Dinnertime? Okay… So, it wasn’t that long. A couple of hours or so. Okay, okay, I can deal with that._

I sighed and waived his formality away.

\- There’s no need to be so formal, Kevin. We’re off the clock.

\- Okay, Miss (L/N).

I felt a real smile tugging at my lips, even though it was small. Kevin was relatively new to the Rebellion and was still quite abiding to all the protocol. Nothing that a couple of years immersed in all the ruckus that was life as a part of the Rebellion couldn’t fix. We lived in such close quarters that, eventually, formalities were used only when actually necessary.

And then I remembered he actually must have had a reason to come look for me.

\- Oh, did you need me for something, Kevin? You must have had a reason to go through all the trouble that is required to try to wake me. – I laughed a bit, trying to show him that it was okay, whatever it was that he came to tell me.

His eyes widened a bit, remembering what it was he had come here to do.

\- Oh, yes, Comm- Miss (L/N)! I was walking by the Medbay to get to the Mess Hall and this nurse, Nurse Talia, I think, asked me if I was a part of your team. When I said that I was, she asked me if I could let you know that Captain Andor is out of surgery and stable, and that you can go visit, if you wish. – He took a deep breath, satisfied he had relayed his message correctly.

I stood there, my heart speeding in my chest, partially in gratitude for the helpful and caring nurse and partially in a mix of relief and deep gratitude for the fact that Cassian was out of surgery and stable.

_Stable! Yes!_

After a few seconds, I lurched myself at Kevin, probably almost giving the kid a heart attack, and hugged him, ecstatic with the news.

\- Thank you, Kevin!

Letting him go, I took off running towards the doors, heading for the Medbay. The nurse said I could visit and visit is what I was going to do.

\- Commander, wait! You should probably eat something!

Kevin tried to warn me, and he was right, I probably should, but I was already halfway through the doors and the Mess Hall was further away than the Medbay. I could always raid the kitchens latter or something. If push came to shove, I think I still had a few rations somewhere in my room. Right now, the only thing that mattered to me was to see how Cassian was.

I ran as fast as I could, and, by the time I reached the Medbay’s doors, I was out of breath. Leaning forward and supporting myself with my hands on my knees, I promised myself I would exercise more often from now on.

_If I have the time._

Once I’d gathered enough air in my lungs and recomposed myself as best as I could afford at the moment, I stumbled through the doors and caught myself at the edge of the “reception” counter, becoming the focus of a very amused nurse, who was organizing charts behind the counter.

\- Ahn, hi, Nurse Talia. – I was feeling kind of nervous. I should probably have tried to be more professional, shouldn’t I?

 Talia, however, smiled gently, although still lightly amused, at me.

\- Hello, Commander (L/N). What can I help you with?

\- Oh, hum, Officer Kevin relayed your message to me. And, hum, he told me you said I could visit, if I wanted to… So, hum, here I am? – I cringed internally. That was not supposed to be a question. But smoothness, apparently, had fled me. Luckily, Nurse Talia didn’t seem to either notice nor care, for the smile on her face became knowing and even more gentle.

\- Of course.

She, then, came out from behind the counter and motioned for me to follow her. Getting even more anxious, I hurried to follow her.

 The Medbay wasn’t extremely big. At the very back of it, there were about three or four rooms dedicated to functioning as OR’s. At the front, right after the “reception” and the nurses/doctors’ office, there were about four other rooms that functioned as examination rooms. After those, there was a space separated by curtains containing a dozen beds or so for the not so injured to await their due recovery. And, after it, close to the OR’s, there were a few rooms also containing beds, for the more severely injured, that would have to stay longer, sometimes days, sometimes weeks, to recover in.

Nurse Talia led me towards the recuperation rooms and turned to the second door on the right. However, before she even tried to open the door, she turned to me, a new expression of concern in her eyes. Seeing the look on her face, I felt myself stiffen with worry.

_Oh, stars, what now?_

\- Commander, I must warn you, though. Yes, the Captain is out of surgery and the doctors were able to stop his bleeding and take care of his wounds.

I nodded along with her words, steeling myself for the punch line.

– His vital signs are stable and he’s breathing on his own, which are, both, good signs, and the doctors are confident about his recovery. However, he hasn’t yet awakened and the doctors don’t know when he might do so. It may take a couple of days or it may take weeks. They say that, with the amount of blood he lost and the concussion he suffered from the fall, there is no real way of knowing how long his body may take to recuperate. Also, even though the concussion appears to be mild, they can only tell for sure the extent of the damage it may have caused once he is awake.

I took a deep breath, letting Nurse Talia’s words wash over me and be processed by my reluctant brain. I knew things weren’t going to be all fine and dandy, I knew he wouldn’t be in the greatest of shapes, of course I knew. But, I hadn’t been expecting… Stars, I hadn’t been expecting for even the doctors to not know completely how he was or even when or _if_ he was going to wake up. Because that’s what it came down to, wasn’t it? They didn’t _actually_ know if he was going to wake up, if he was going to be okay. They didn’t _know_ …

_No._

I closed my eyes, shook my head and took another deep breath, centering myself.

_No, that was NOT what Talia  said. The doctors were confident. He’s showing good signs. He WILL wake up and he WILL be fine. Stop it. Stop going overboard, stop fretting, stop dreading. Cassian needs me right now. He needs me to be strong and believe in him and to trust the doctors. He needs me to trust that he will get through this. He needs me to be here for him WHEN he wakes up, to tell him what a stupid idea it was for him to have gone without me, to push him through whatever physiotherapy he’ll need to do and will want to run away from._

I opened my eyes and met the concerned ones staring at me. Resolute, I nodded at Talia.

\- I understand. Thank you for informing me, Nurse Talia. But, he’ll pull through it, I know he will. That thick head of his is not going to crack that easily.

Despite my certainty in what I was saying, a few stubborn tears fought for a way out. I blinked harder, holding them in. Talia seemed to take notice, but she nodded at my response and smiled gently at me again.

\- Of that, I have no doubt, Commander. Especially with someone such as you by his side, I imagine he will do everything he can to be up and kicking again in no time.

_Huh?_

\- Wha-What?

_Especially with someone such as me by his side?_

I felt my cheeks warm and I raised my hands, waving them flusteredly around.

\- I’m not… We’re not…

Talia’s smile grew.

\- Maybe not yet. However, you _are_ listed as family in his chart. The only one, as well. – And a small wink accompanied THAT revelation.

\- Oh…

It was everything I thought to say, my eyes wide.

_Huh, I did not know **that** … _

I blushed further, remembering he was the only person listed as family in my own chart, as well.

Granted, those listed as family were the first ones to be notified should anything happen to one of us, according to Rebellion rules, while, sometimes, it took days or weeks for anyone else, that not of high and important rank, to know if something happened to one of our rebel friends. So, considering how close Cassian and I were, it wasn’t that far-fetched to think he might consider it a smart, or even practical move, to list me as family. But, still, you didn’t just list anyone as family…

And then, it hit me, with the full force of something really important that has been forgotten and really shouldn’t have been:

 

_**Cassian brought the hand grasping my arm to rest on the other side of my neck, mimicking its twin, and leaned forward, his forehead coming to rest against mine. His eyes looked intently at every curve and plain of my face, as if he was trying to impress my features into his memory. All I could do was stare back at him, trying to save his features into my own memory.** _

_**Then, with the softest tone of voice I had ever heard him use, he whispered.** _

__ _**\- I love you, (Y/N).** _

__

_Oh, that’s right._

 I could feel the heat radiating from my face, now. Talia touched my shoulder softly, pulling me back from my rapidly spinning thoughts.

\- Are you okay, Commander?

\- Oh. - I shook my head slightly again, embarrassedly trying to clear my thoughts. – Yes, yes, I’m fine. I just… Got lost in my thoughts a little bit. And, please, you can just call me (Y/N).

I laughed a little nervously. She apparently already knew quite a lot about me without even trying, and she gave off such a motherly vibe and genuinely seemed to care… Really, there were no reasons for such formalities at this point. Especially with how gentle she was being. I was pretty sure she didn’t need to go out of her way like that. Besides, I, myself, had not been in my part as a Commander ever since the first time we met.

Talia nodded, a smile still in her lips.

\- Of course, (Y/N). You can call me Talia. – I nodded, agreeing that I would.

\- Are you ready to go in, now? – She motioned towards the door in front of us, still closed.

I took one more deep breath and nodded again.

\- Yes, please.

Talia gently squeezed my shoulder and turned to open the door, moving with it so to leave a clear path for me.

The light in the room was low, giving the impression that whomever was in it was simply sleeping, like in any other sleeping quarter on base. However, the steady beeping of a machine betrayed the real usage of the room and the real state of its occupant.

It took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to the darker environment. Once they did, they immediately landed on the bed in the middle of the, somewhat small, room and the man lying on it. For the first time ever since he got back, I could take a proper look at him. And what I saw made my heart clench painfully in my chest.

There was a thin strip of gauze wrapped around his head, seeming to hold a bandage in place on the back of his head. His right shoulder and pectoral, where the shot must have hit him, were heavily wrapped and bandaged. He was lying slightly turned to his left side, I assume so as to not put too much pressure on his blast wound, and one could see a small part of his back. It was covered in angry looking purple and blue bruises.

I held in a sob by putting a hand on top of my mouth and got closer to the bed, directing myself towards its left side. From this new angle, I could see there was a small tube coming out of the left side of his chest, right from in between a deep red-purplish bruise situated where I assumed his fractured ribs were, and that there was an IV hooked to his left hand, the beeping machine connected to the other one by a long wire.

I stood by the end of the bed, just staring at the form lying in it and taking him in. Talia spoke softly from behind me.

\- The chest tube is for his lung, it probably won’t stay long. The IV is feeding him morphine, for the pain, every few hours, as well as a constant stream of a solution containing various nutrients, since he isn’t awake to be able to ingest real food and water. His body needs the strength and the nutrients to be able to heal.

I nodded silently. Of course, it made sense.

She laid her hand gently on my shoulder again and squeezed, then, turned around and went back towards the door.

\- I’ll leave you two alone. Visiting hours, technically, end in half an hour, but I’ll give you until the end of my shift, which is in about two hours, if you want the extra time.

I looked at her, my heart swelling with gratitude, and smiled, thankful.

\- Yes, thank you so much, Talia.

She smiled kindly.

\- Not a problem, dear.

Then, she left the room and closed the door quietly behind her. I turned my gaze back to the bed and its occupant. After a few more minutes of acquainting myself with the present situation, I took a deep breath and looked around the room, seeing what else was there. Besides the bed and its buddies on both of its sides - the IV, whatever it was that was connected to the chest tube, and the machine registering his vital signs - there were only a couple of chairs on the far left and a small bed table leaned against the wall by the chairs. Walking towards them, I grabbed one of the chairs and took it to set it besides the bed.

Sitting on it, I was more level with Cassian’s face and could see it more clearly, despite the lighting in the room still being quite low. Studying it closely, I could see the scratches on one of his cheeks and temple, like small debris of something exploding or breaking had hit him. A couple bigger ones, on the right side of his jaw and his right temple, were covered with a piece of bacta patch. Despite all that, his face looked… Almost peaceful, like he really was just resting.

Almost involuntarily, my left hand came up from where it was resting in my lap and touched Cassian’s forehead lightly, tracing the gauze wrapped there. He didn’t even flinch. Heaving a heavy sigh, I softly brushed his hair from underneath the gauze and away from his face.

\- Oh, Cassian… I wish I could have been there… I _should_ have been there… I should have been there for you… – My voice was no louder than a sigh and just as light as the tears rolling down my cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question: Do you guys think I should change the "light angst" tag to "angst"? I'm such a bad tagger u.u''


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm incredibly sorry for the fact that this took so long >.<  
> If there's still anyone reading this, I hope you forgive me and I hope that the new chapter doesn't completely suck n.n''''
> 
> Star Wars and any and all reconizable characters are not mine, although, if they were, there would have been a lot of lives spared =P xD
> 
> That being said, any mistake you may end up finding is, most definitely, my own (Sorry ^.^'').

Trigger Warning (?): very light description of feelings and sensations left over from a panic/anxiety attack. (I'm not sure if this requires a trigger warning or not, but, I thought it best to put it, just in case it may be something triggering for anyone).

 

*The depiction of the sensations and feelings left over after an anxiety attack in the story is based on my own personal experience with panic and anxiety attacks. Keep in mind that the both of them can be quite different and/or have different aftermaths depending on the person. I'm in no way, shape or form a psychologist.

 

 

 

 

Someone was shaking me. Why was there someone shaking me? It was comfy… Well, sort of. My back didn’t seem all that happy, but my face was near something warm and whatever it was that I was clutching with my left hand was warm too. Generally, I felt good, peaceful even, for some reason. Wherever it was that “here” was, I’d sure like to stay, at least for just a little while longer.

But the shaking came again. Why, by the stars, was there someone shaking me? Couldn’t they just leave me alone? Was it that much to ask, this little moment of peace? Out of here things were so… Painful. Heavy. Hard.

Another shake.

\- (Y/N), dear, wake up.

That had a bigger pull on my attention, forcing my consciousness out from its hazy, happy state.

__Aww, shit, again?..._ _

I groaned while my mind caught up to reality. An onslaught of memories came crashing down on me and I jolted upright, completely awake.

__Scariff. Cassian. Enfermary._ _

My eyes drifted downwards, to where my head had been resting and where my hand was still holding onto something warm.

__Shit, I fell asleep on Cassian._ _

A small giggle escaped my mouth. I’d fallen asleep while talking to Cassian, my left hand clutching his firmly, as if to assure myself he was really there.

__Was I really that out of it?_ _

\- (Y/N), dear, how are you feeling?

I turned my head towards the voice coming from my left, letting go of Cassian’s hand in the process, and focused on Talia’s soft, concerned gaze. I wasn’t really sure of how I was feeling, exactly. It sort of felt like I’d just ran a marathon. My body felt somewhat weighted down and my head felt kind of heavy and filled with cotton.

I shook my head slightly, not sure how to answer.

\- I-I don’t really know, to be quite honest. My body and my head seem kind of heavy, I think?

Talia smiled softly, nodding as if she’d expected that answer.

\- You’ve experienced a great deal of anxiety and stress throughout the day. After having to deal with the various onslaughts of adrenaline and other hormones connected to those two, your body needs to rest and so does your mind. Have you eaten anything today?

Again, I shook my head.

\- Only breakfast.

Which had been before I had gone to talk to Cassian this morning, before all hell broke loose.

Talia’s gaze turned stern, even though she looked like she had expected that answer as well. With a heavy sigh that sounded suspiciously like resignation, she motioned her head towards the door and extended one of her hands towards me, a small smile showing up on her face.

\- Come on. We will get you some much needed sustenance and then you can go rest properly. Medical orders.

By the time she finished speaking, she winked at me and I couldn’t help but smile a little. I looked back at Cassian, still laying in the same position he was in when I first got here. I really wanted to stay there with him…

Talia’s hand landed softly on my shoulder.

\- Come on, dear. There’s nothing you can do right now and I can assure you he is not going to wake up today. His body needs to rest. And so does yours, if you want to be able to be there for him when he does wake up. - Her voice was gentle, but her tone was definitive.

I sighed and nodded. She was right. I knew she was right. There was nothing I could do for Cassian right now, no matter how strongly I wished there was. I sighed again and got up, squeezing Cassian’s hand lightly in the process. I’d be back tomorrow.

\- There you go, dear.

Talia gently guided me out of the room and closed its door behind us.

                                                                                  //----//----//----//

Dinner was a blur.  The Mess Hall was relatively empty, thanks to the late hour, and Talia was careful to stir me away from any ruckus or other interactions, keeping an attentive eye to my extremely low levels of energy.

Internally, I absolutely hated that she was right. My limbs felt like they were made of lead and it felt like I could barely think straight, the heavy exhaustion fog clouding my brain being an excellent barrage for my normal not-at-all-calm-and-paced string of thoughts. However, the worst of it all was the very insistent pressure in the middle of my chest and in my throat, like an incredibly heavy, huge lump, or, possibly, the aftermath of an elephant stepping on me.

It was hard to breathe properly through it. Every inhale seemed to require an inordinate amount of strength and concentration. I spent the entirety of my “meal” – if you count mindlessly shoveling forkfuls of some undetermined food into your mouth as a meal – focusing on not choking myself with an accidental lack of oxygen or something along those lines.

Talia was still being her patient, and apparently always attentive, self and didn’t force me into any conversation or interaction, simply sitting beside me and eating, a lot more normally, her own food. She would, at intervals, make sure that I was indeed eating and drinking the water she put in front of my tray, as well as still breathing normally enough, but, aside from that, she let me be with my own thoughts. Not that there were many. Or any, actually. But I was thankful for the silence all the same. Thinking or doing anything were herculean tasks that I did not want to tackle right now.

The next thing my exhausted brain registered was Talia gently telling me to rest as much as my body and mind needed, that she would give me a leave from work for the next day, and guiding me inside my room. I nodded and watched her smile and leave the small room, closing the door behind her. I collapsed on the bed, without even a fleeting thought to changing my clothes or anything else and, as soon as my head touched the pillow, I was gone.

Sleep came easy, but it did not stay that way. In what felt like really not long at all after I’d fallen asleep, nightmares started making their way into my once restful slumber. Scenarios where the whole Rogue One team had gone missing, or where their ship had exploded, or even where they had managed to come back, all but Cassian, plagued my tired mind with no end.

Images of Cassian dying a horrible death in the explosion; of him sacrificing himself so the rest of the team could escape; of him coming back with the others but dying here on the base and the medics not being able to do anything; scenario after scenario, one just as terrifying as the other, played over and over behind my eyelids, like some horrible movie on an endless loop.


End file.
